I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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