I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
