My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
