if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
