hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
