i would punch a child for taco bell
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
