3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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