I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
