kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
