I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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