Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
