Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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