You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
