proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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