the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
