I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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