i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
