I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
there is glitter all over my balls
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
