Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
