I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
