So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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