Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
