very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
