Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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