i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
