another moral hangover. fuck.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
