Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
