I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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