3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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