I didn't shave. On purpose
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
