you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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