Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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