yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
