Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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