I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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