i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
