Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
