I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
