Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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