Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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