I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
