He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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