do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
