Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
