eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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