well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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