I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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