theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
