He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
