He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
