Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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